To Watch Him Love Me
by I want George
Summary: NS big surprise there. Just a little something I've been toying with for a while. Sara POV.


**A/N:** Wow, I've been so busy these past few weeks, and paired with my case of (attempted-)writer's block, I have about four story brainstorms and no actual stories. I'm not entirely happy with this one, but I've been tweaking it for weeks and thought, eh, what the hell, I'll post. If you hate it, I apologise.

**Disclaimer:** CSI isn't mine. Though one day George Eads will be. Well, that's the plan, anyway.

It gets kind of weird sometimes.

I don't know if he thinks I don't notice, or if he just has it so bad he doesn't care if I know. It must be the latter- he of all people knows I'm over-observant. I _am_ a CSI.

It's just that… every time I turn around, I see him, watching me. I see the silent look of excitement when we are paired on a case together. I see the sparkle in his eye as he grins and turns away, a slight look of guilt upon his face, "caught me!", but with no shame at all. I usually just smile back self-consciously and look away. What else _can_ I do?

I've known pretty much as long as I've worked here that Nick's had a crush on me. I think everyone has known. I mean, it wasn't exactly a secret. He just acts differently around me than everyone else. Nick's a nice guy, but he's always _that_ much nicer, _that_ much flirtier, around me. Which, I must admit, is kind of nice sometimes. I like Nick. I do. Just not in _that_ way. We flirt. Quite a bit. Sometimes I hate myself for that, but I can't help myself. It just comes so naturally; it's so easy. It's fun. And if nothing else, it's a huge ego boost for me, to have such a sweet, charming, cute guy want to flirt with _me_. It's nice, sometimes. So of course I flirt back. I just can't bring myself to be horrible and just ignore the guy. I can't exactly just smile awkwardly and play it off. But sometimes I hate myself for giving him hope when I know we will never be a _we_.

But then one day, I look up from my work, and saw the way he was looking at me. You can't mistake that look for something else. In that one moment where I saw him emit a sigh of defeat before grinning guiltily at me and looking away, I realised.

Nick is in love with me.

It's a weird, weird feeling; knowing someone is in love with you, and you don't feel the same back. I've been in the opposite position countless times, and always at some point wished I could be the _loved_ person, just because it wouldn't hurt so much.

Though this is possibly worst than being the victim of unrequited love- it's just so _awkward_. I mean, you can play oblivious, which is what I seem to spend my life doing these days. But, come on, Nick knows. And I know that he knows. And he knows that. And so the complications continue.

As much as I would love to suddenly feel nothing for Grissom, and have Nick become the object of my affection, it's not that simple. What I feel for Grissom has evolved over months and years, conversation after conversation. While I know in my heart nothing will ever happen, I can't help but hope.

I can't pretend - to Nick, and especially to myself - that I feel nothing for Grissom. Having feeling for Grissom just feels safer to me than feeling something for Nick, because Grissom is everything that never hurt me. Grissom is a friend, a mentor, someone who I have always admired, and someone I look up to. He's predictable, and intelligent, and professional. His work is his everything. Sometimes I think we could be perfect together, because we are so alike. He did say that what attracts us the most is ourselves.

I don't know. Maybe I've created a Grissom that doesn't exist. The real Grissom doesn't feel anything. I told him that once. He comes off as cold and arrogant and emotionless sometimes. He just frustrates me, the way he refuses to accept that some people can't always be perfect and professional and objective. That's one of the things I love about Nick- he's _human_, which is more than I can sometimes say for Grissom. Grissom has said some things that have hurt me.

It's just…Nick has to understand that you can't stop yourself from feeling. What he feels for me is what I feel for Grissom. It's hard, because I know how much I would give to have the one thing I want, and I can't help feeling that I would love to give Nick the time of day, just so he could have the happiness that I long for, though from someone else.

He's staring at me again. Even though I'm not looking at him, I can feel it, as I go over my paperwork in front of me. He's looking over at me, watching every move I make, every time I tuck my hair behind my ear, or lick my finger to turn the page in my case-file. I can tell without even looking what Nick is doing, because I've caught him doing it so many times before.

Nick's one of my best friends. He knows that. I love him to death, just not in _that_ way, the way he loves me. I wish with all my heart that he didn't because it's just not fair; Nick deserves someone who will utterly adore him, and give him all the love he gives out; the love he _deserves_. The thing that hurts me the most about watching him love me is that I know I will never be able to give him that.

I feel for Nick. I do. And every time I see him smiling helplessly over at me, I always find my self thinking that if only I could do something, anything, to stop him loving me. If only love was that simple.

We can't deny what we feel.

Ironically, it was Grissom who once told me, "Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to do nothing."

And sometimes it's hard to just sit back and watch Nick love me.


End file.
